"I can't find my mom."

We began a journey back in the spring of 2010 to become foster parents.  We went through a long paperwork process and before our certificate arrived in the mail we brought our first foster child home.  Her name was "Tammy" and she was 5 years old.  She started calling me momma and Olivia sister right from the start.  We picked her up from DSS and took her over to our church to meet Chris, who she immediately called daddy.  Chris was working on our missions conference and I was homeschooling Olivia, so it was a day we could all be together to greet her for the first time.  I can still see her peeping out from the cubical to get a look at us, the new foster family that was taking her home. She was our first foster child and we were her first foster family. For 9 months she was ours.

Time passed and her mom completed the treatment plan given to her by DSS. "Tammy" went back home to live with her mom.  I can remember that day in the DSS parking lot when I hugged her and told her bye.  Thankfully I knew where she lived and had a good enough relationship with her mom that we could keep in touch and still check in on her from time to time. After 10 months back with her mom she returned to DSS care.

I was scrolling facebook and read a horrible news headline about a mother chasing a daughter with a hammer and immediately recognized the mug shot as that of "Tammy's" birth mom.  I called DSS and found out she was ok and at the shelter.  I asked if we could come pick her up and they said yes.  So we brought her home again.  Then after only 6 months she was moved to another foster home at our request. Let me explain.  Since she came into care for abuse I was under the impression that her mother's rights would automatically be terminated and she would need to be adopted soon.  We were only licensed to foster and adopting wasn't exactly in our radar at that time. Fostering was still new to us.  On top of those facts, a couple of major issues were going on, "Tammy" acted as if she wanted to be my only child.  Well, we could not adopt her quickly and she certainly could not be an only child so I asked DSS to please find her an adoptive home. At that time we had a peace about that decision and thought it was best for her.  DSS found a wonderful family and she moved in with them in September of 2012. We developed a friendship with this family and was able to continue to stay in touch with "Tammy".  She is currently still with them.   

Fast forward to February 2014. "Tammy" came to spend the day with us and ended up staying the night and going to church with us.  She and Olivia played Barbies and we all went fishing and it was like she never left.  But she did leave and at my request.  DSS ended up giving her mother another "treatment" plan and so two years passed before her mother's rights were finally terminated in September of 2014. I never dreamed it would take so long. I never knew she'd remain in foster care that long. She was our first foster child and all of this has been a learning experience for us. After that weekend stay in February I can still remember us driving her back to her current foster family.  When we left her, I cried in the car all the way home.  My heart was stirring. 

I contacted a friend from church who was one of "Tammy's" teachers.  I told her about the visit and how my heart was feeling.  She messaged me that she had seen "Tammy's" picture in the adoption profile newsletter.  I was in shock!  I asked her to send the link to me so I could see for myself.  I showed it to Chris and Olivia and then we began to pray. We asked the Lord, could it be that all of this happened for a reason? Can we bring her back home? We prayed over the idea of adopting her.  We all felt like the Lord was giving us another chance to be the family she needs. Yes, we had issues before and I'm sure there will be issues again, but what this time apart has taught me is that my love for her is stronger than any issue. If we didn't care about her we wouldn't have kept in touch with her all of this time.  I asked the current foster mom if they were going to adopt her and even though it was something they considered strongly, she said no.  Nothing was standing in our way and time seemed to be on our side. 

We began the process of filling out forms, getting physicals, TB tests, updated shots for us and our pets.  We had a home inspection, fire inspection, a home study interview (where a stranger comes to your home, looks around and asks lots of questions).  We wrote out everyone in our family's life history.  We had to ask four life long friends to take the time to write up personal references on our behalf. For months we went through appointments, back ground checks, and fingerprinting.  Needless to say it was not a quick, cheap or easy experience, but certainly worth it.  So 4 months later we finally had a license to adopt and we were approved to be one of the candidates to adopt "Tammy".  I was told a selection committee would meet and they would let us know if we are chosen or if another family will get to be "Tammy's" forever family.  So we've been waiting and wondering ever since. 

One thing we found out after we became a candidate to adopt her was that we could not have any more contact with her during this process. That is really hard. She must wonder why we aren't in the picture anymore. DSS says it is so she won't develop more of a bond with us.  Please, she already has a bond with us.  We love her and she loves us. Bonds that we create with any person don't just go away, not for us and certainly not for foster children.  I was told after giving her a birthday gift that I was not supposed to do that.  We can't tell her we are trying to adopt her, so if we don't give her a gift wouldn't it make sense that she'd wonder why?  What if we aren't the chosen family? Then we've just missed another year of her life.  I asked for permission to give her a Christmas gift, but was told no.  So again, she's probably wondering why.  I understand wanting to protect her, but without giving her all of the facts she doesn't have any way to understand.

I am a person who believes everything happens for a reason.  I have to trust the Lord's plan and timing.  He sees the big picture and I don't.  You know they say it takes a village to raise a child.  I want to ask all of you reading this to please pray that the Lords will for her life will be done.  I hope and pray it is His will to give all of us another chance.  Our family knows what her mom, dad, aunt and cousins look like.  If we get to adopt her and all of us are out at the mall or in a restaurant and her mom or dad or aunt walks in I will recognize them and be able to act accordingly.  I have been to the home she remembers with her mom.  I can help her remember the good and deal with the bad. We know her history.  We are part of her history. We are not perfect, but we can give her love, encouragement and safety.

This past Sunday she and her foster family came to our church with some friends of theirs.  As Chris and I were leaving the sanctuary "Tammy" walked in with her foster brother and a friend.  She said, "I can't find my mom" referring to her current foster mom.  I told her that their class was probably running late and she'd be down soon.  We got to hug her and Chris and I went on to our class.  As we walked down the hall those words kept ringing in my ear, "I can't find my mom", bless her.  She's had 3 mom's so far and I pray adoptions/DSS will quickly "find her mom" and give that precious child some peace.  Please join our family in praying the Lord's will for her life.

Pray that 2015 will be the year she comes home and we all start anew !!!!  Pray, please pray.